I will never update this again.
Simply for the reason that this, along with many other portions of my life, hold too many memories that I dont want to remember.
I feel very contemplative right now. Trying to organise my life is like trying to organise stock take for our store.
Not impossible, just a lot of dedication is required.
I'm lucky I still have Alex.
One of the few things that I've been privledged to keep from last year.
If I think about it hard enough, compared to last year, nothing about me is the same.
Except for my name.
Sassy, if you ever read this, I love you, and I miss you.

xox

I feel as though Ive lost everything. Where in actual fact I havent lost anything.
I feel more alone in this world than I ever have.
Which is strange because I have never been as loved by someone as I am now.
Im missing out on everything at the peak of my life.
Im 20, but act much much older. Life is passing me by while I lie inside wrapped in Alexs arms, staring at the ceiling, wondering what all the people I used to be a part of are doing.
I wonder everyday how everyone is.
I know no one truly misses me, and perhaps this is all for the best.
Because I know people change.
But my change has made me drift away from everyone I love the most.
Shari.
Ruby.
I try not to think about it. Only because it hurts too much to realise that my best friends have now just become aquaintances. I want to be connected and close with them again. And I know I always have the opportunity. But the truth is, I've changed so much I'm a completely different person and I don't think I can hang out with them again.
It breaks me. It really does. Because they were some of the best two/three years of my life and I will never get that back again.
I can see where this is heading though. It's leading to something evil that will stop us from hanging out. Something evil that will break us apart. Something evil that I'm scared is called Me.

I'll look back at this entry in a couple of months and think "Why was I so silly, how could I think like that" But to be honest, I think like this every waking day.

I'm just ready to start a life where I act my age. As boring as that sounds, I want to settle down and find a place and travel and do all of these things before it's too late.
Oh well.

Days off seem to have lost all there meaning now that Im back home again. My days off in town were always busy and we constantly had people over, I had things to do, people to visit. Its just not the same.
I went to town yesterday for the first time since we got evicted. It was strange, but I felt like I fit in there more than I do here. I miss town so much and there's always something to do. Shari and I got drunk on Monday night at our old Grey Lynn flat. It was exciting and strange but so good. We missioned our way back to town having a very drunkenwalk and listening to our music, stopping to danceevery now and then.
By the time we got back to town it was 4am and allwe wanted to do was sleep a lot. And then we realisedwe had no swipe key to get back into the apartment. Securitycame our and we asked if we could get back in but he recognised us from Aura and we had no such luck. Homeless for the ngiht and knowing no one would be awake I texted everyone I could think of..just in case. We ended up at Chris and Za's waking Chris up to let us in.

Im still so tired. And stressing out. I could be pregnant. To Alex. But its very unlikely. Still a chance just not a very probable one. Ihope. Im going to buy a pregnancy test on Friday and take it when I meetupwith Shari. I just..what happens if I am. Id want to keep it, but I cant afford a child..I can barely afford to live right now. What would Alex do?

SEX IS BAD AND DANGEROUS I highly recommend avoiding it at all costs.

I nver thought Id see myself back to the start again but here I am, sittng at the computer desk in mymothers lounge.
Because that is where I live now..oncemore.
Sharis dad came home and kicked us out instantly. Getting kicked out made Shari and me have a fight, and I went to Alexs and she went to Chris and Za's. In all honesty, I thought that was our friendship over.
The one time we needed each other more than ever and I bailed on her to go to my boyfriends.
After everything we are still friends. Still sisters. Still closer and still love each other more than ever.
Everything in life couldnot get messier right now.
Shari is house hopping. Its unstableand Im constantly worried she'll not have anywhere to go. Our jobs are in jeopardy..hers more than mine.
The thought of not getting accepted into another apartment because of our history is far too much to comprehend rigt now and Im trying to ignore it but its a very large chunk of reality that could determine our future living arrangements.

I dont know, Im happy to have Alex through all of this, he's kept me happy and positive..or as positive as I can be. Hes my little piece of dreaming in amongst all this messy reality.
And Im scared to death Ill lose him in a second.

x